Optimism

Don't worry, things will look up. Every cloud has a silver lining, after all. It seems it is ever so necessary for me to be optimistic and to have hope because I center my belief system around a good God, after all. So, that's exactly what I've done. I've consistently convinced myself that my pessimism is somehow invalid, that there is a silver lining around that rain cloud. But should I really stay around even after such a long period of disappointment? Am I somehow fulfilling some obligation I have to God by convincing myself that the sum total of what I perceive on a regular basis to be wrong?

At this point, I (finally) can say and do say "no". But don't get me wrong. It's not as drastic as a 180 degree turn. Surely, there is room and, perhaps, a necessity for the pessimist to reevaluate where he is right now but I would say the corollary is also true. I think my case is that I've just been trying to be too optimistic.

Perhaps, there is validity in pessimism. I mean the reality of a situation is always sandwiched somewhere along the continuum of the situation as it is and my (flawed) interpretation of it. The point is, maybe I shouldn't always categorize my disappointment as being due to my interpretation.

Learning to believe, again

Well, no surprise. I'm not always that fond of CCF large group meetings. And this recurring aversion really came around to bug me for the past few weeks. The fact of the matter is.. I don't like mingling. I don't like having to meet someone, talk about something completely irrelevant, and then moving on to rinse and repeat with someone else. And I fully accept that this type of attitude will ostracize me to some degree, especially in the large group setting. And, I'd be ok with that, as long as that's not where it ends. For the past few weeks, however, that is where it ended. I've just been having trouble connecting to people. I haven't been able to meet someone new and really form a bond with them. And, since that's what the past few weeks have been, it's been a little discouraging, to say the least.

I wasn't going to go tonight. Luckily (although perhaps I really never had any intention of staying home), I ended up going. Well, large group itself was terribly underwhelming. All that "mingling" time.. yeah I'm good.. I'd prefer Guild Wars any day. And I literally stepped out like three times hoping that it would end when I came back. As much as I'm ragging on it, I've gotta say that the choir did an amazing job, as always, the sharing was very heartfelt, and the Johnson was Johnson, as always.

But beyond the scheduled events from that night, I learned or, more aptly, I was reminded of something drastically important. That, even though I may not mesh well with the vast majority of CCF, I do have a few great friends there. I also learned that there are people that I may not know too well but can mesh with anyway. Maybe I was being a little too pessimistic. Well, in all reality, it's my last year anyway. Why not stay in, I already gave it 2 years. I'm sure the grass ain't greener anywhere else.

And, worst case, I'll just bail and play Guild Wars outside ;).

Way of Awkward #1

"The server looks like she's having a hard time putting the food down." someone observed.

"Yeah, the lazy Susan's just too big." I quipped with earnestness.

Across the table, Susan was not amused.

Return of the music

I've gotta admit, I'm really starting to get into music on the Edge again. I had completely stopped listening to it for the past 3-4 years. Everything just sounded too repetitive and lacked something. But this year, music's gotten a lot better.. Well, maybe, it has to do that I've actually been listening to the radio again.. in hindsight that's probably one of the more prominent reasons. But whatever the reason, it's great to hear new music again.. it's about time the collection got a fresh injection.

Here're just a few songs that I've really liked in the past year:
MGMT - Kids
Tokyo Police Club - Your English is Good
Pilot Speed - Put the Phone Down
Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Zero
The Offspring - Half-Truism [!!]
Mother Mother - Body of Years

**edit** Except I just realized that Body of Years is really [really] similar to Hey by the Pixies. It's still a good song but it does take a little away from it.

Parallel lines

Something that I've really been searching for is open discussion, where people keep their minds open and approach issues without stubbornly adhering to their own ideas. I've always held some disdain for that type of attitude. Of course, I don't mean for the renunciation of all beliefs, e.g. certain religious dogmas. Even with these absolutes in mind, there surely must exist flexibility when living. What's important isn't the exact way in which our beliefs are expressed but, instead, the underlying root of such beliefs. People ought to spend more time discovering the roots of beliefs as opposed to the beliefs themselves. There is no need for all to be united under one line of thought. As long as there is an overarching underlying root, our directions will certainly be uniformly aligned. And, as we travel on our own courses, we will surely meet in the infinite.

Jaded, j-j-j-jaded

It's so repetitive. This is really the only thing I write about. Well, I actually write a lot more but all those entries are tucked nicely within the confines my harddrive. But yeah, I see the repetition. I actually do get bored sometimes always slaving away at this issue. Perhaps it's because I find it to be of utmost importance, to know why we wake up everyday. But, whatever. I'm starting to think it's futile. That there is no answer within reason alone.

Well what I wanted to share was something I read in Ecclesiastes about a year ago. It's really stuck with me ever since. It's Ecclesiastes 9:7-10. The author of Ecclesiastes deals with the question of existence throughout the entire book. After all that questioning, this is his solution: "to live and enjoy living". No, he doesn't answer the question. No, we don't get to find out why God created everything such that it would be like this. This happens in Job too. God just plays the.. well.. God card. He doesn't explain it, He just puts Job in his place. Even the document from the absolute source does not give an absolute answer. In the end, we are left with life. We may have some idea as to what to do with it, I know I do. But, why I was given such a precious yet terrible gift, I haven't the slightest idea. And truly, I don't think anyone does, though they may have well-crafted hypotheses.

And so.. maybe this is our lot in life, to live in partial darkness. Ecclesiastes says there's a season for everything. Perhaps the season of humanity requires us to lack full knowledge in this area and to have faith. To push on to face the unknowns of tomorrow because we just don't know.